She Would Smile


She would smile. That’s the first thing she always does, when she sees me. That upward turn of her lips, ever so slight, but her eyes don’t lie. She is always happy to see me. Even when we fought on the phone or text, she would always smile when she sees me again.

I asked her why once, fingers tangled in her brown hair. She turned around and kissed me, a peck on the chin and said, “Because you remind me that my world, my life, is perfect,” I would have asked her how, then. But our limbs were getting distracted by other things.

She gives me this feeling that I belonged in this world. I told her once that her smile gave that feeling to me. She retorted, “Well, you don’t have to smile to do that to me,” I wasn’t sure why, but I sobbed, no, cried openly into her arms and bosom that night.

I once told her earnestly that I always felt extremely lucky to have her. She poohed it and said that everyone is lucky. And didn’t she have me to give purpose to her life as well? “Well,” she says, “I guess we are both lucky to have each other then?”

And then she smiled.


Image credit: Paradise Trance Youtube channel


Love, Self

“Baby, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more…”

So, what is love, anyway?

When someone talks about self-love, how does it reconcile with not being self-absorbed?

I find it funny that in this day and age, Love could be equated to “not being cruel to <object>”. Or at least it is when the <object> is yourself.

Suppose that you have gotten yourself into a situation where you are not getting your needs met, be it physical existential needs or social needs. At some point, you will run out of fuel and you will be digesting yourself in order to continue producing the output that makes yourself a so-called valuable member of society.

Too general? Let’s say you are in a job that you love, but it doesn’t pay enough to give you at least 2 decent meals a day on top of the rent. At some point, your body will tire itself out and what was merely unsustainable in the long run becomes “My body is dying of hunger, please save me.” And this is because food wasn’t met. Hence if you love yourself, you would then look for a job that actually feeds you. This one is simple.

What about the opposite problem that Gen Y keeps harping on about? Your job pays very decently, but it is so odious that you resort to using the extra money to buy things and/or experiences to justify the occupation. At some point, when the Ego depletes, the urge to take and use an Uzi on your co-workers would be too damned high. Hence, if you love yourself, you would then look for a job that feeds your soul as well as it feeds your stomach. This one is also simple.

But what about other things that occupy your time and attention? Such as social relationships like a romantic relationship?

Perhaps we should remember that we are responsible first to ourselves and as such, should always seek out situations and circumstances that taxes us less.

That, I believe is the first step to self-love.

Deserve What You Want

Futher along the lines of deserving, I also discovered that ironically, the “nicer” we are, the less we deserve the things that we want. Simply because “reality” loves it some homeostasis and when you exert some power over it, it will do what it can to stay in its current state.

What this means is that if what you want encompasses people, they will get upset because you are now attempting to change their world. And if you are “nice”, you will do anything to not feel like you are responsible for upsetting them. Of course, this is pretty low level thinking because there are books and people whose very message is about getting what you want without making people upset.

Herein lies the problem: People being what they are, there will be people who will get upset regardless of how much benefit you are going to give them and if niceness is the overriding directive, then you are in for a fucking bad time.

Perhaps this is all bad logic and I am merely uncranking some crank I have been working up these past few months. Perhaps the only world I need to change is my own and I am a little too attached to its current state.

On the Nature of Getting Things

So there’s a prevalent theory about deservedness when it comes to actually getting stuff that you want. Everyone, as it turns out, gets exactly what they deserve in the end.

But who gets to decide what you deserve? That is the question, isn’t it?

For most of us in privileged Gen Y (There’s also underprivileged Gen Y as well), it would seem that our parents are the ultimate decider, like yours truly. Since we grew up in the good graces and providence of our parents, we only get what they allow us to get and God forbid when we rebel and attempt to get what we want but they disapprove.

And then there are those of us who didn’t have a central provider for our nice things in life. I have met some of you, and you seem to be able to just “get” your blessings under your own power, much to my envy, even as you envied the seemingly easy life of the privileged.

For years, I grew up feeling that I did not deserve the things I got simply because they were handed to me and all I had to do was to enjoy them. Except that I didn’t really, or rather, I didn’t want to, because I didn’t have to work as hard as the rest did, see?

And so I always came across as some sort of ingrate because I never valued my blessings, because I never worked hard for them, etcetera.

But I suppose vertical social mobility being what it is (Extremely hard, no matter where you are), all we could do is be grateful for our lot in life, yes?

Desire is Pain

What is the meaning of anything? Do we really need to add meanings to everything?

The Buddha was right. Suffering only comes when you have unmet wants and needs. Attachment is willingly attaching chains with hooks to ourselves, allowing an external force to take us hostage.

So unhinged now, it’s not funny. And all over mere possibility.

The question then becomes: Would you still be vulnerable in the future? Would you dare?

If not, how would the hole ever be filled? If yes, would you risk self-torture?

Path of least resistance, or hard mode? Or hardcore mode?

I don’t think the sum of all fears is nuclear annihilation. At least with that, all you get is oblivion.

The sum of all fears is ending up like Will and Lyra.

Now that would suck.

Anticipation and Peace

Complex emotions. Wide awake. Time slows down. Do people who are about to meet divinity again feel like this?

Not that she is divine, no she is very much human. But the idea of our ideas mating and producing magic, bringing us closer. Funny how trust changes everything.

Instead of achievement, there is relief. Instead of obsession, there is a feeling of coming home. Instead of dropping the present and craving the future, there is mindfulness of the present and knowing that the future will come and it is so sunshiny, I need shades.

When there is a drive to improve yourself for the sake of the other, you know something special has happened.