Femininity

If you are fortunate
Enough to make
An impression
On her,
You might realise
That she
Is not as well put together
As you first thought.

This is a woman
Who might redefine
Your idea of
Standards.

For that may be
All that she has.
It belies the sort of
Thirst
She has for life.

Nothing but
The best
Life has to offer.
And she has the discernment
To fully appreciate them.

And if you are a man,
This is why you cannot
Get her out of your
Attention.

Here is
Quite possibly
The finest
Specimen
Of what the fairer sex
Has to offer.

For she embodies
So perfectly
In her little quirks,
Her habits,
Her standards
What it means
To be an expression
Of life itself.

Advertisements

Wild

Architect.
That would be the first thing
She tells you.

Prague.
This is where
She calls her second home.

And then, if you are lucky.
Or good.
She might tell you about
Her life.
Her romances.
All the men
Who professed their love for her.

But you might wonder
Why is she telling you
Things that surely
Took a toll on her.

But you won’t care.
For you would know
That she is merely expressing
Her view
Her thirst
Her enthusiasm
For life.

Much like how her eyes
Betray her nature.
The way they dart
This way and that
Behind her bangs
Like the savannah
That hides
The majestic gazelle.

And then you know
Why all those men
In her stories
Were helpless
In their captivity.

For there is only
One word
That can fully
Describe the soul
That lives behind
These eyes.

Disconnect

Nonsense. Small Talk.

Are they but synonyms?

Components of the dance

Vital as they are

I cannot bring myself

To perform my part.

Oh, how I wish

For my friend

With whom knowing smiles

And secret codes

We could exchange.

A person with whom

I could feel like

I am no stranger

To a world that speaks

A different dialect.

Desire

Her hair is where it starts

It’s not very well kept, you can tell

Which is why you are amazed.

Why does it look so damned good?

Why do you feel like holding her close

And giving it a good, long whiff?

Her lipstick. Red. Crimson.

Bold, in defiance of what all

The other girls do.

Daring you to kiss them.

Daring you to want them.

Then those eyes.

So full of life.

And yet…

Weary.

Almost jaded.

But you know better.

She has not given up on wonder,

On the notion

That the world is Good.

Wondrous. Magnificent.

Her clothes, just on the safe side of

The provocation/proper divide.

Oh, this you know

She has spent lots of time

Thinking and planning and putting on

So you talk to her.

You tell her your observations.

And you see the veneer of professionalism

Drop from her eyes

Just for a moment.

She is amazed,

Despite herself.

That’s when you know,

You have her.

But you don’t.

You don’t actually want her.

Not after what happened

With another

Because she reminds you

Of a girl that you once knew.

And so you grin. Smugly.

All the while your heart leaks blood again.

She Would Smile

Smile

She would smile. That’s the first thing she always does, when she sees me. That upward turn of her lips, ever so slight, but her eyes don’t lie. She is always happy to see me. Even when we fought on the phone or text, she would always smile when she sees me again.

I asked her why once, fingers tangled in her brown hair. She turned around and kissed me, a peck on the chin and said, “Because you remind me that my world, my life, is perfect,” I would have asked her how, then. But our limbs were getting distracted by other things.

She gives me this feeling that I belonged in this world. I told her once that her smile gave that feeling to me. She retorted, “Well, you don’t have to smile to do that to me,” I wasn’t sure why, but I sobbed, no, cried openly into her arms and bosom that night.

I once told her earnestly that I always felt extremely lucky to have her. She poohed it and said that everyone is lucky. And didn’t she have me to give purpose to her life as well? “Well,” she says, “I guess we are both lucky to have each other then?”

And then she smiled.

 

Image credit: Paradise Trance Youtube channel

Love, Self

“Baby, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more…”

So, what is love, anyway?

When someone talks about self-love, how does it reconcile with not being self-absorbed?

I find it funny that in this day and age, Love could be equated to “not being cruel to <object>”. Or at least it is when the <object> is yourself.

Suppose that you have gotten yourself into a situation where you are not getting your needs met, be it physical existential needs or social needs. At some point, you will run out of fuel and you will be digesting yourself in order to continue producing the output that makes yourself a so-called valuable member of society.

Too general? Let’s say you are in a job that you love, but it doesn’t pay enough to give you at least 2 decent meals a day on top of the rent. At some point, your body will tire itself out and what was merely unsustainable in the long run becomes “My body is dying of hunger, please save me.” And this is because food wasn’t met. Hence if you love yourself, you would then look for a job that actually feeds you. This one is simple.

What about the opposite problem that Gen Y keeps harping on about? Your job pays very decently, but it is so odious that you resort to using the extra money to buy things and/or experiences to justify the occupation. At some point, when the Ego depletes, the urge to take and use an Uzi on your co-workers would be too damned high. Hence, if you love yourself, you would then look for a job that feeds your soul as well as it feeds your stomach. This one is also simple.

But what about other things that occupy your time and attention? Such as social relationships like a romantic relationship?

Perhaps we should remember that we are responsible first to ourselves and as such, should always seek out situations and circumstances that taxes us less.

That, I believe is the first step to self-love.

Blessings and Curses (that are actually Blessings)

Be careful of what you wish for, the saying goes. Once upon a time, in a fit of emotions that included disgust, hope, and perhaps desperation, I wrote the following affirmation:

“The rate at which I grow and learn accelerates day by day.”

The reason it was there was because I’ve suffered from Precocious Kid syndrome. On top of being an insufferable know-it-all, it stopped me from learning some important lessons, some of which plagued me for as long as I could remember. Having clung to the victim mindset for a little over 26 years (like eating bad food and taking bad drugs), that affirmation (and the concept of affirmations, for that matter) changed my life.

It started a sea change in my perception. Over time, my perception changed from “This fucking sucks!” to “How do we change so that it would no longer fucking suck?”

Make no mistake, learning and growing still hurts. Especially for someone as averse to humble pie (another perception I am working to change) as yours truly, every time a valuable lesson appears, it nearly always challenged my Ego (“YOU WERE WRONG, MORON!” Said the Ego to himself) and therefore I hurt every single person who had ever had the bad fortune to care just a little too much about what my actions represented in their world. Sometimes, they cared about me as a person and these are the people I hurt the most.

Dear God, family, friends, enemies, and acquaintances, as I wrote that, I am suddenly overcome by immense remorse for my thoughtless reactions and actions even as I am overcome by gratitude for all the attention and lessons I have ever received. I recognise that you are all my teachers and I would love nothing more than to make all of you, yes, all of you proud. If you were ever in my life, do know that even if I were ever snarky to you because it wasn’t what I wanted to hear at the time, I am grateful now that you braved my negative demeanour to deliver me from ignorance. For that, I wish nothing but the best things in life to you and that I will take what I got from you to make this world a better place.

Anyway, did the rate of growth accelerate indeed. Few are the days that go by where I feel at peace and I am on top of things. Even now, there’s a mix of emotions consisting of a little gratitude, unworthiness, excitement, guilt, anxiety, ungratefulness (Yes, entitlement is an emotion), heartbreak, happiness, and those other feelings that defy articulation. Even as I am grokking what my soul wants right now, I am learning how to make the results of my actions entirely beneficial to the people who, like it or not, depend on me.

It is apparent that I do not fully consider the full ramifications of my actions before I execute them. In fact, that is exactly the reason I am wracked with guilt and remorse every time I am faced with the less desirable fruits of my actions, which I then have to remind myself that this is another lesson that I have to take or become extremely unpleasant to the people around me.

Rambling aside, this is what I meant by curses: I asked for faster growth, and now I get to experience the constant emotional challenges that come with it.

And here’s the thing about self-awareness: Even if you know that the hurt and feels serve a greater purpose, it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts and is extremely unpleasant. And while it is possible to change our perception so that the old triggers do not trigger the emotional responses anymore, there is still the transition period to endure.

Change is instant, yes, but habits take a little longer to break out of.

So, if you are in the middle of your own personal development project and are finding it extremely tough, I salute you because I am also in the middle of my struggle and I can understand your pain. I wish I could say something like “It’ll get better, soon,” or “This too, shall pass,” ┬áBut we know that those are smug platitudes told by people who either do not know our struggles or have already reached the better place, so I won’t.

Instead, try to enjoy the pain. Exult in the bitterness of humble pie. Take heart for all the times when you tried to break an unpleasant habit but have it reappear and make you feel guilty as fuck for indulging. You are going in the right direction. Eventually, if it is your lesson to learn, you will get through to the other side and when that happens, you might wonder why did it hurt you so in the past.

And if it isn’t, then it is okay too. At least you paid your dues and nothing can take that away from you.